ONE SELF PORTRAIT EVERY DAY in 2020 : 341

Today, as you might know, I am in great pain and I am aware that men in general and me specifically have a low tolerance for pain. Years ago, Katarina had her wisdom teeth taken out, it was quite a serious case and they asked her if she would like to have general anaesthesia and she said that local would be fine and she just went to her appointment, got them removed and that was that. If I end up having them removed and they offer me general anaesthesia, I will definitely take it and I will most probably moan a lot and feel sorry for myself for weeks. 

So at 21:51 I call 111 and go through quite a long automated screening service and I eventually speak to someone who asks me many questions and decides (quite correctly) that my case is not a life threatening emergency but quite urgent and that a dental nurse will give me a call within the hour. At 22:24 a dental nurse calls me and after a few questions tells me that I will receive a call from an emergency dentist the following morning (today) and that it could be at any time from 9:20 onwards and I need to be by the phone as they will only call once and if I don’t answer, I will loose my chance. Today, at 14:59 I phone 111 again and go through the same process and receive a call from the dental nurse at 15:41 and I am told that I am still on for a call from the emergency dentists who are in Isleworth and they are open until 19:30 so to wait until then and call 111 again if they don’t. So am feeling confident they will get in touch with me today. 

The reason I am sharing these details is because it reminds me of the film ‘Caro Diaro’ where in one part of the film you follow Nanni Moretti’s journey trying to get treatment for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

By the way, I almost spoke to Nanni Moretti twice: once it was in my cousin’s bookshop, Fahrenheit 451 in Campo de’ Fiori, I was browsing and I hear his voice talking to someone (I don’t recognise faces but I do voices), the conversation sounded like from one of his films, I wanted to say something but didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to interrupt his private conversation.

I saw Caro Diaro the year it came out so it must have been 1993 and I remember being disappointed and it’s definitely not a film I would want to see again. But it is also a film that I keep on thinking about and referring to, it’s like although I didn’t get entertained by the film or find enjoyment from it, its message has slowly, over the years, been absorbed.

Now I will try and summarise this film from memory (bearing in mind the one and only time I watched it was 27 years ago.

The film is divided in three parts. In the first part we follow Nanni Moretti riding his vespa through the streets of Rome and I think it’s this image that made this film so successful around the world. In the second we follow him visiting various Aeolian islands and in the third we following him going from specialist to specialist trying to find out more about his medical condition.

I vaguely remember one or two funny and interesting moments but overall I can’t remember it having any plot or being interesting in any way. I also remember it being personally frustrating as when travelling through the outskirts of Rome, he gets closer and closer to the area I lived (Mostacciano) but doesn’t and he seems to visit all the Aeolian islands except Filicudi which is the one I had visited.

The film is about searching for something and as far as I can remember, not finding satisfaction or something with worthwhile meaning. I suppose it is about accepting the meaninglessness (is this a word?) of life (and death) and finding beauty and meaning in it’s lack of meaning. Sometimes I think that I AM STILL ALIVE similarly finds meaning out of the meaninglessness of my life. 

The second time I almost spoke to Nanni Moretti was in a art cinema in Trastevere, he was ‘curating” a series of short films and he gave an introduction to the evening. After the event, people went up to talk to him but I didn’t have the nerve.

I AM STILL ALIVE

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